Insignificant Me

ever felt as thought u didnt matter to the people arnd u? or maybe u mattered jus bcos u had a resposibility tt needed to be cared for?

i totally feel tt way.. wld anybody even realise i'm gone if i do dissappear(not talking about suicide)? wld they miss me n "need" me for who i am and not wad i do n contribute? i'm referring mostly to my frens(?) in church(maybe except for 1 or 2 brothers).. their not evil or bad ppl but i jus dont feel needed, cherished, loved.. when i speak, no one listens till i repeat myself a few more times.. it jus seems as though the older ones(Uni onwards) find me too young or smth.. (cant mix with most of those same age or younger cause their jus toooo childish..sadly....and also bcos in my ministry everyone's older) all this in addition to losing 2 of my closest frens.....i'm definately in one of the loneliest periods... wad wld b great wld b to have TT 2 close frens again.... "hope on caleb....wont happen anytime soon..."

Life

so much has happened since the last time i blogged..my lungs collapsed, TWICE(right first then left) and had to go for 2 major surgeries..one hell of a painful experience..had tubes stickin outta me..Praise God it's all over and everything's fine now..
worse, jus few months before e end of last yr i had to jus do smth so so stupid n brainless...consequence?? i lost my gf (also my close fren)(1) n my other close fren(2).....2 of e closest ppl in my life (other than Jesus and parents) GONE..
it's been close to half a yr since it happened...all i've eva wanted n wished for, prayed for, hoped for was tt i cld jus have them all back again, close close frens..things r pickin up slightly i guess, we're now frens..JUS FRENS..
these past 6 months have definately been 1 of the lowest, most painful periods of my life so far....losing ppl i love n cherish, havin my lungs collapsed, havin a really dry point in my spiritual walk.....everything jus took a turn for e worst overnite....everyday i wld b hurtin...every weekend when i c 1 & 2, i hurt even more...life's been so so so so hard...everyday is so damn hard to get by...if only i could turn back time...if only i could undo wad i did..if only i cld un-say wad i said...life is full of "if only"s......many wld say "move on, look ahead!", but how easy is tt?? living each day knowin there's no one u can call to chat or share ur joy n pain with...it's not as easy as callin any of my frens i have, wont u agree tt there are jus e few ppl in ur life tt u can share everything in the world with?? my "few ppl" was 1 & 2...
to make things worse, i jus had to ask 2 ytd if we were frens or close frens..and then made such a big fuss over my life n things i've been goin thru..e pain i've been feeling...all e selfishness flowin outta me...it probably widen the gap btwn us further......how much more rubbish am i goin to cause myself????
if 1 & 2 eva happen to read this, i'm really sorry....really really sorry...i really dunno wad to do..i really dunno wad i'm doin..i'm losin my head so much easier this days......if u wld jus give me another chance to b ur close fren...it'll b great..argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! help me JEsus.................please.........