?

I so so wan you to read this but yet i dont...
i'm trying everything i can...pouring out my all..wanting to try and at least make you smile..
it isnt ur fault..i know.. but it's so so saddening when u can say tt u need someone to talk to, make u smile,a human..
Dearie...who am i? i've been trying so so so hard to be that person....u're worth my every effort.. u're worth all tt i've done and all tt i'm gonna do..
u're worth every single second i've spend with u.. every single moment i've spent thinking of you..
i'm so clueless rite now as to wad to do... i'm so afraid of making a wrong move, saying e wrong things.. and end up making both u and i feel worse.
darling...stop rejecting my love..stop rejecting wad i wanna do for you..

O Lord....i so desperately hold on to you..to Your Promises..
Father help me..sustain me..put words tt will help her in me..help me say the right things..do the right things..
there's so much i wanna pour out o lord.. but i'm too lazsy to type it..
help me daddy..
In Jesus's name

Great is the Lord!

God is so wonderful!!
frm my 2 previous entries, things seem to have changed..Jesus never ceases to amaze..how super super my Daddy God is..Sch's been great, relationship with "1" and "2" has been wonderful..everything in life is picking up..esp spiritual walk.. altho there's still some stuff in life which rn't goin as smooth as i would like it to be, but tt's where i'm wrong..it's not how i wan my life to be but how God wans it to b..i'm absolutely certain tt life's gonna be fantastic, it's His promise and i'm claiming it!! howeva hard life may get, i know tt all i've to do is hold on to Jesus..
Daddy even gave me a new, old fren!! it's been great spending time with her!! even tho we converse eva so limitedly..haha.. it's jus fun la..
been asking God many things too..mainly regarding relationships i guess..many questions n lotsa feelings n thoughts runnin all ova on e inside.. i know Daddy's telling me to wait.. there's still issues i need to overcome and let go..same with her..but then again, is it her?? i'll jus let Jesus guide me.. =D

"Dear Daddy Lord,
come guide me, lead me.. teach me to walk in Your ways.
Lord help me look to You in all things..Teach me to worship You with everything i'm doin..
Father, You muz increase, help Caleb die.. Jesus, i want to be more like You, i want to desire You so much
more each day..teach me how, help me..
Lord i thank you for everythin tt You have done for me.. You've never let me go and You've always held on to me even when i turned away.. Jesus, You're so so so wonderful!
I Love You Daddy Lord Jesus, Amen"

Insignificant Me

ever felt as thought u didnt matter to the people arnd u? or maybe u mattered jus bcos u had a resposibility tt needed to be cared for?

i totally feel tt way.. wld anybody even realise i'm gone if i do dissappear(not talking about suicide)? wld they miss me n "need" me for who i am and not wad i do n contribute? i'm referring mostly to my frens(?) in church(maybe except for 1 or 2 brothers).. their not evil or bad ppl but i jus dont feel needed, cherished, loved.. when i speak, no one listens till i repeat myself a few more times.. it jus seems as though the older ones(Uni onwards) find me too young or smth.. (cant mix with most of those same age or younger cause their jus toooo childish..sadly....and also bcos in my ministry everyone's older) all this in addition to losing 2 of my closest frens.....i'm definately in one of the loneliest periods... wad wld b great wld b to have TT 2 close frens again.... "hope on caleb....wont happen anytime soon..."

Life

so much has happened since the last time i blogged..my lungs collapsed, TWICE(right first then left) and had to go for 2 major surgeries..one hell of a painful experience..had tubes stickin outta me..Praise God it's all over and everything's fine now..
worse, jus few months before e end of last yr i had to jus do smth so so stupid n brainless...consequence?? i lost my gf (also my close fren)(1) n my other close fren(2).....2 of e closest ppl in my life (other than Jesus and parents) GONE..
it's been close to half a yr since it happened...all i've eva wanted n wished for, prayed for, hoped for was tt i cld jus have them all back again, close close frens..things r pickin up slightly i guess, we're now frens..JUS FRENS..
these past 6 months have definately been 1 of the lowest, most painful periods of my life so far....losing ppl i love n cherish, havin my lungs collapsed, havin a really dry point in my spiritual walk.....everything jus took a turn for e worst overnite....everyday i wld b hurtin...every weekend when i c 1 & 2, i hurt even more...life's been so so so so hard...everyday is so damn hard to get by...if only i could turn back time...if only i could undo wad i did..if only i cld un-say wad i said...life is full of "if only"s......many wld say "move on, look ahead!", but how easy is tt?? living each day knowin there's no one u can call to chat or share ur joy n pain with...it's not as easy as callin any of my frens i have, wont u agree tt there are jus e few ppl in ur life tt u can share everything in the world with?? my "few ppl" was 1 & 2...
to make things worse, i jus had to ask 2 ytd if we were frens or close frens..and then made such a big fuss over my life n things i've been goin thru..e pain i've been feeling...all e selfishness flowin outta me...it probably widen the gap btwn us further......how much more rubbish am i goin to cause myself????
if 1 & 2 eva happen to read this, i'm really sorry....really really sorry...i really dunno wad to do..i really dunno wad i'm doin..i'm losin my head so much easier this days......if u wld jus give me another chance to b ur close fren...it'll b great..argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! help me JEsus.................please.........